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An Account of Ayahuasca Ceremonies in the Peruvian Jungle Kevin Budd ©2004
I had travelled south from Canada to Lima, Peru, then flown to the town of Iquitos, formerly the rubber capital of the region. From there, having met with Hamilton Souther, the owner of Blue Morpho Tours, we took an overnight ship upriver to the town of Jenaro Herrera. After an early breakfast, we piled into a large dugout canoe, with built-up sides and an outboard motor and continued upstream for three more hours. It was a long trip, and seemed appropriate in taking me far from my normal surroundings, and away from what was familiar to me. The journey got more and more personal, and the focus tighter and tighter, as I had gone from large airplanes, to smaller ones, to large ferry, to a canoe. We had moved from the sky, to a muddy wide tributary of the Amazon, full of dangerous currents, to a smaller winding river, the Aucayacu, (Indian Water), and finally to a calm small isolated waterway that curved under jungle trees and to the camp. And yes, there were supposed to be piranhas lurking about, along with many other underwater critters I wanted to avoid. The Ayahuasca mixture was a dark reddish thick liquid, extremely bitter. We had helped a little in its preparation pounding the vine pieces into shreds, and layering on the chacruna leaves in the pot, which boiled over an outdoor fire. In addition to these two main ingredients, the shaman also added a small amount of datura, (locally called "toe-eh") and two other protector plants, one of which was called "dead head". Interestingly, this is bark from a tall tree that has a flat top. The tree produces large seed-pods which are like coconuts, resembling skulls, hence the name. The shaman see its spirit as a headless giant who comes to one's aid carrying these seed pods and using them as exploding grenades to frighten away unwanted spirits. The first night we took Ayahuasca, after about 15 minutes, I felt some tingling in my hands, then I felt quite nauseated and soon vomited. Fortunately everyone has a plastic bowl ready in front. There was only light from a few kerosene lanterns. There were three shamans, Hamilton, who organizes the trips, don Alberto, Hamilton's teacher, the main shaman, and Alberto's retired teacher, don Julio. The gentle yellow of the kerosene lamps went out at that point, as the "mareo" (Ayahuasca experience) began. I lay down and saw some geometric patterns, almost black, with a slight green tinge, as though basket patterns or snakeskin was draped nearby me, at a distance of maybe12 feet. During the whole time, "shakapas", (leaf shakers) were used and various "icaros" (songs) were sung and whistled to either invite in the plant spirits, protect the participants, or to finally call away the experience. Thus, one is surrounded by sound. One other participant recounted feeling cool hands on her body, and at one point saw a man dancing or jumping over top of the shaman, as though mocking them. The other person reported no effects at all. I also remember seeing the cigarette ends of the shamanas, smoking "mapacho" tobacco, which they use as a protector spirit. At times these seemed to float closer and closer to me, though I think they were actually about ten feet away. This went on for a couple of hours or so, and gradually faded. The mixture we had taken was apparently a watered-down version, which had also burnt slightly in the preparation. This, I found out later, was the shaman's way of "calibrating" us, using a weak dose to determine our responses and or sensitivity. During the day, Hamilton went through a few centering exercises with us, to ground us solidly, and feel the presence of a guide. I did sense such a presence and during the following experience, I did call on this guide. The next night we took a much stronger preparation of the "purga", the purge, and this time, everything was indeed much stronger and more intense. The mixture was thicker and if possible, more bitter. We were warned not to drink water with it, as we would then have to vomit out the water. Again, after about twenty minutes there was tingling in the hands, this time more, and soon, again feeling very nauseated, I kneeled, and vomited, the kerosene lights went out, and the icaros and shakapas began. Suddenly it was all there. The physical world essentially disappeared, and was replaced by intensely presented geometric patterns, as though every tiny molecule of reality was alive and churning. Momentarily I opened my eyes to see if "reality" still existed. There were still a few tiny dim lights from either the propane fridge, or from the cigarettes of the shamans, but these seemed insignificant in the strength of the Ayahuasca space we were in. I could hear Hamilton, "Ah, shaman, que bruta purga! Me gusta!" (Ah, shaman, what a powerful potion, I like it!) with some delight in his voice, as the mareo came to him too. "My god, why am I doing this?" I asked myself, quickly starting to feel afraid that I was being engulfed, losing any control over my experience. All around me rose a rounded stepped pyramid of infinite points of moving color, forming shapes and patterns that were clearly structured and precise. Each minute point of existence was like a tiny fountain, being re-created every moment. On and on it went, getting stronger. The pyramid of energy patterns I was in was alive and aware, and I could sense the eternal and infinite aspects of each prismatic point of perception. It was just utterly overwhelming to be surrounded so completely by this everywhere of activity. I was in a representation of the energetic universe, reality as energy. The fractals of every moment spun endlessly around me. With this visual experience came feelings of being about to lose myself, as well as anything I could either know, or hold on to. On and on it went. I was feeling lost, afraid, awash in some giant all-encompassing sea of powerful activity. I don't know how long it continued like that, probably less than an hour. I tried to either turn it down, (not possible), or control it in some way...I got more and more afraid...and more and more lost and overwhelmed. The songs and leaf rattles continued, pausing only on occasion. I called on my guide, "Are you there?" And, yes he was there, "In all dimensions." he said to me. But I found no comfort. Feeling very sick again, I momentarily returned to physical awareness just enough to somehow find the bowl, vomit deeply and strongly, and then lie down again. Part of me was aware that this was "good", I was purging and being cleansed and healed, but wow...I was lost and drifting in endless eternity...I could not hold on to anything, and was feeling extremely miserable. My feet were tingling and one was partly numb. I was thinking things like, "My god, my god, I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Why am I doing this? I am going to disappear. Can I hold on until it's over? I know sometime it will be over...I want to get as far away from this as possible, and never, ever come back here." I understood something of what a bad drug trip must be like, but here, at least I was not alone, had ingested a time-tested "natural" concoction, and was with experienced guides. Finally, not knowing what else to do, how to survive what seemed like coming extinction, having called on angels, saints, whatever, for help, I called out loud, "Ayúdame! Ayúdame!" Help came right away, as Hamilton sat beside me, took my hand and reassured me that we would get through this. He told me what to do, "Hold on to your center, center yourself, be that column of energy that is in your center." He spent most of the next two hours there, reminding me to stay centered, to call on helpers, to feel my own core of energy. "I can feel your strength." he'd say, grasping my hand. He reminded me to know that all that I was seeing was me too, it was my universe as energy. When I could say that, "This is me, too, this is my identity." and identify with it all, the scary over-intensity would drop significantly, but only for a second. But there was no thought of fighting it. It was simply all encompassing, and relentless. "I can't do it...I can't handle it." I murmured. "How can the shamans do this? How can they be there and not lost, not washed away?" Hamilton talked to me, and I understood that from a certain perspective it was awe-inspiring, a marvel, and just a fantastic experience...that you could love it. There were moments when I could imagine "riding" the experience, like a bronco, or a fairground ride, and this helped too. "Thank the spirits, tell them, 'Thank you'!" he encouraged." I did. "You've gotta love it..." he added, "it's your life!" I did love it, and I also feared its intensity. But "Please, just turn it down, please...menos, menos. (less less)", I was pleading... Don Alberto, the main shaman, came over and helped too, singing a "Tranquilito cuerpecito" (tranquil body) icaro, and putting water on my head to cool the crown chakra, and reminding me that it was passing. Bit by bit it was. Higher in my visual field the twinkling infinite intensity was lessening. Another person then came over to hold my hand for a few moments, and this person had not taken the mixture. Interestingly, the moment our hands touched, I felt some momentary grounding, as though his "straight" state was helping me settle my own. Occasionally opening my eyes in the dim light of a cigarette match, I could see that physical reality still existed, but it was weak, poorly defined, miscolored and easily overshadowed by what was going on in Ayahuasca space. The visual aspects of the physical world were like a very poorly received distant TV station. I could feel and hear at the same time though, and even that double experience was disorienting and disconcerting. The shamans talked for a moment and decided to turn down the ceremony now, finally, to call away the spirits. "Yes, it is enough." During this time, remarkably, one of our other participants was experiencing almost nothing, and the other was standing, quite frightened, saying in a strident voice, "When will this be over? I want this out of my body! I don't want this in my blood!" I had to consciously choose not to get caught in her anger and fear, though again, for a moment, that strong outside physical event had a small grounding effect on me. Later she continued, "How long will this last? How much more of this?" When a shaman had said, "Maybe an hour." she commented, angrily, "You said 'an hour' an hour ago!" She was unable to accept or follow the advice that was offered, to "stay centered" in her core, "I don't want this in my core!" she called out. For a third time, I vomited...sadness, fear, toxins… I don't know what came out of me. I did have the presence of mind to take a quick look into my bowl, having read that some people saw snakes or insects, or some filth being cast out of their bodies. I just saw dark, reddish, Ayahuasca vomit. Hamilton suggested that we try to call on someone or some entity or spirit for assistance. We called on Jesus, and yes, he appeared to me, floating down from the open pyramid top, as a white open-armed shape, gently coming down onto me and giving me comfort. Then Hamilton asked who should we call now, and at first I wanted to call Buddha, and then, no, "Let's call my old friend Rene, who committed suicide two and a half years ago." So we called for him, and in seconds, he was there too, talking to me, hugging, and crying..."We miss you so much, why? Why did you do it?" "I had to know..." he told me, "and look, you can know and you can stay alive too!" A former girlfriend appeared and we forgave each other. Hamilton suggested I thank the spirits, "Thank you, thank you." I said, crying, scared, in amazement. "Wow..." I was whispering, over and over, "Wow...un-effing believable!" At one point I saw what was my intellect, represented by a sort of dried shell, highly polished. I had to thank myself for creating such a fine instrument, but I was aware that I need not rely on it so much any more. Gradually, as the intensity lessened a bit more, I could consciously move and act in that environment, even enjoy it, and I asked if I had a power animal. Quickly a few creatures flashed before my perception, and then a loon appeared and stayed in front of me. Funny, it is one of our Canadian symbols, and a personal favorite even from my childhood. The loon invited me onto its back, and either I was very small, or it was very large, but together we rose up and flew over dark landscapes. The loon did its crazy laughing call, and told me to play from the heart when I played music. I hugged it around the neck. Perhaps three hours had now gone by, from when we took the potion. By this time, they had turned on an oil lamp, and when I opened my eyes I could see Hamilton near me, and other shapes around the room, but everything was heavily pixilated, as though on a bad TV screen or as seen through a diffraction grating. It was like, now, with light, the perception of physical reality could show through the energetic universe, but it was still highly distorted, broken up into tiny points of colored light. Very, very gradually, the pixilation lessened, and physical reality became more prominent. Hamilton was kneeling in front of don Julio, and at first I did not understand what they were doing. Don Julio was singing and blowing smoke at him, and saying something about, "A level that will make bullets bounce off..." and Hamilton turned to me, asking, "You know what's going on? I just got promoted!" For his fine work that night, the two shamans had promoted him way up, from Captain to Colonel, in only three months, a level that should have taken a year! Well, from my point of view he certainly deserved it! It was another hour or more before I felt I could go to bed, still a little afraid of being overwhelmed again. I could walk with some instability, though I know that during the most intense part of the session, I would have been incapable of walking unassisted. Finally, I tried sleeping, and still had to do some serious mental work to get myself to be calm, and feel safe. Even at two-thirty in the morning, five hours after we had started, the other reality still hung there, very immediate, as though ready to close in around me again. Hamilton mentioned that just being in the energetic space, the "mesa", (table) it would be stronger, and just stepping out would lessen it somewhat. The next day I was quiet and seemingly unconnected to much of my surroundings. I could let thoughts go by, not needing to say anything funny, or intelligent. I could watch a leaf or listen to the jungle sounds, the insects and birds, and just let it all be. "You are calm," said Hamilton, in comment, "No more of the nervous or anxiousness of the other night." Hmmm...so this was calmness. The ayahuasca took away any hunger too. I was going to be very careful about what I ate. The day passed with me simply floating around, able to talk fairly normally, but no too interested in doing much. Gradually, throughout the following day I became aware of a tiny part of me that was actually curious about repeating the experience. This first struck me as really unlikely. I had been terrified! I would never want to go back there! And yet, there it was, some part of me wanted to know how it might be the next time, how I would do with the new techniques and awareness. Part of me missed the clear awareness of the energetic reality, the perception of infinity, the sense of being strongly in both worlds. The woman who had been so angry and frightened looked sheepish, I thought, even ashamed, not meeting my eyes. "Humble" someone whispered to me. It was true. I knew that her ego self had been shown something much greater than it, and had had to let go...there was going to be a lot of internal re-organizing. The day went by, we swam in the river, refreshing ourselves, cooling the chakras, which helped to lesson the remaining effects of the purga. We swam where the local children swam, an area considered safe. The next day, I talked to Hamilton about taking part in the third ceremony, and we decided I would like to, but only with a much reduced dosage, just enough to let the Ayahuasca enter my body again and make contact. I'd come a long way after all...I should take advantage of the chances available. If Hamilton wasn't panicked about my fear and reactions, I guessed I should accept it too. He explained a nice idea: that the spirits know how many ceremonies you are here for, and they determine the best way to arrange your experience. On some level then, we have an agreement together. That night as we prepared for the ceremony again, I was feeling pretty nervous, and as the small enameled white tin cup came my way, even with its teaspoon of liquid, I was kind of scared. It was very bitter, and I shivered drinking it. After fifteen minutes or so I was feeling only a tiny tingle in my hands. I lay down, the lights went out and the session began. The other participant vomited, though with my small dose, mercifully, I did not. I actually had to work pretty hard to focus on my inner experience and at times thought of taking more purga. Was nothing going to happen? It all seemed too conscious, that I was not going to make good use of this session, and I'd lose this opportunity. However, consciously, I began to work on loosening my chest area, to free my heart to feel more. At one point Hamilton came over and said that Estrellita, (a star) one of the guides he worked with, wanted to work with me. So he blew her spirit (on a stream of smoke) into my crown chakra. I also became aware of what seemed like a presence sitting just to my left side. I opened my eyes, and, in the darkness, could not make out a person, but rather what seemed like a dark silhouette of some elf or leprechaun. I closed my eyes, and tried to ignore it, but a while later, I still felt the presence and again, saw it there. Then, it changed into a sort of gnome, a few inches tall and walked over my chest. I talked to it, and it told me it was there to also assist in loosening my chest, by some manipulations of the bone structure. I saw Estrellita under my sternum and chest ribs, inside my chest cavity, and I pressed down, and then she pressed up from inside. We repeated this a few times. Together we were loosening the prison bars where my heart was protected. I did not like to see Estrellita in such a prison and so she came out. Suddenly I was overtaken by a strong activation of feeling up through my chakras, up through the "shungo", the core of energy in me. I broke out in sobbing tears...feeling sadness and misery, my whole body shaking with sobs...a minute or two, and I became calm again. I called on a "significant other", and she came to me, rising into my arms, in a dark slim dress covered in blue diamonds. What a lovely vision, in the inner night sky! "Girl with blue diamonds" popped into my head, like a song title. We stood together, gazing into infinity, filling what seemed to be emptiness with love, scattering blue diamonds throughout the endless galaxy. As the session closed, Hamilton asked what I had seen and I mentioned the gnome creature. He explained that it was the spirit of a plant. That's how they appear! “Very cool.” I thought. With eyes closed I was also seeing what seemed to be a small flower, outlined in white, tiled across my visual field. Hundreds of them arrayed neatly before me, against a black field. I mentioned it to Hamilton who asked the shaman. It turned out to be the flower of one of the plants in the brew. Remarkable stuff! It was a long trip back, and I had had "tourista" for three or four days at the camp. My own sense of this was not that it was an infection, but rather that it was what Hamilton called, "pre-emptives" my body sensing impending purging, and letting it happen over several days instead of at once, as might have happened. However, when it came time to pack up and head back, I was ready to take a pill to stop it for the journey. I could not find the pill, and so, instead, I talked to one of the new guides inside me. I asked that it stop the diarrhea for a few hours, so I could at least get to the main boat for our overnight trip. And lo and behold, it worked. Maybe four hours later, safely on the boat, I did have a small recurrence. At that point I said, "Okay, now I need a cure." as I was then going to head back over hours of airplane rides. Again, that was it. My intestines firmed right up. I had an effective internal health assistant it seemed. It took me a few weeks to feel "normal" again. Immediately on returning, I was really disconnected from people and most of my daily reality. Fortunately I was not going to work every day, but I did manage to play a successful concert two days later. I felt that I was like a snow globe and the patterns the snow had settled into in the past had been radically shaken up, and was only starting to resettle in new ways. I did not need to continue with my old patterns. They held no interest for me. My personal "addictions" intellectual, physical, or emotional, seemed to have been dissolved. My significant other says my "rough edges" have been smoothed off. I am less easily irritated. I am not falling into intellectualizing unless I need to solve a problem. Every day, I am going over the experiences, over what I learned, how afraid I was, trying to let it all integrate. I would not recommend this experience to anyone, simply because it was so unbearably intense and profound. It is not recreational, it is heavy, deep internal work, acting at all levels of our existence. It can be terrifying. Despite this...for myself, I may just go back, maybe next year. ***** I would never try this medicine alone, and it was only with the tremendous help of Hamilton and don Alberto that I feel I came through it so positively. They know their stuff! Deep material was churned up and purged. "Wow!" I said then, and I still say it. The safe environment and great support of the team made it something powerful, and profound and remarkable. Many thanks for the great conversations, the fine advice, and one of the most extraordinary few days of my life. I am most impressed with Hamilton's knowledge and ability, and his understanding of the shaman's way. His dedication to the path really shines through, along with that great smile, since what he tells you is based on his experience, not on theories, or reading or hearsay. I learned tremendously during this week. What a mysterious world we live in!
Kevin B. Previous Guest
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